a summary of sorts

I cried today.

I was wondering if I could use "Consider This", an lyric from losing my religion, to aptly title a breakup blog. I think I need a source to regularly say something so it doesn't build up over time.
Today was mixed. I got a call from my mom who wanted to see how everything was going; and she wanted to know if I'd been in touch with ESOFE (ex-significant other/fiance) . I think she has a suspicion that esofe will try and get back together with me-- as if she was the one who broke up with me. I think it was just upsetting to think about her in this game-plan kind of a way, especially when I feel so guilt ridden. I think this is such an awful thing to put someone I love through, someone who I think regards me as their best friend, the person who understands them best... like pushing her off a cliff and cutting the safety net from out under. Of course I feel like it's my fault... as the initiator, whose fault could it be?

I also got an email requesting that I return one of esof's books. I think just having too much of her in my mind at once is bound to release whatever feelings are being pent up. Isn't it funny how I don't feel like being honest, just thinking about the possibility that somewhere down the line some employer might read all this? Alas, word documents on your computer seem like the best thing. Unless of course I feel like sharing this with someone special many, many, many years from now.

My mom talking about meeting girls for my brother (though she played a prank and didn't tell me it was for my brother until I called her terrible for even considering marriage for me right after I broke up with my fiance) and went through the whole description of a supposedly wonderful person in the midwest... I don't know. Ever feel so apart you can't even think of someone else?

My mom's giving her beloved cat away. My dad had developed another bad reaction. Now my mom's best friend is going to adopt her other best friend :( this is really tragic.

My best friend told me that during the times when I feel like everything used to be so good and I feel like I made a mistake, I should remember that this is common, and that people who get back together then start remembering all the bad things-- and it's not a pretty site.

The chaplain said I should remember the good times. I'm not sure if it's the loneliness that's getting to me. I just went on a trip to New Orleans to help with Katrina relief-- turns out the group we went with was coordinated under an evangelical church group, but that's another story-- and I met people; people who I liked, and who liked me. I only shared my esof story with this one girl from Missouri, who I thought was a blast, and besides that I felt rather well. That could just be because of the last night there, the talent show, that seemingly lifted everyone's spirits. I remember not too long before the last friday I was moping about how I didn't fit in; all the state college people seemed a world and a half away; I was just this angry liberal kid (who was going through things he didn't want to bring up) who tried hard enough. Man, I should rant more often. Take up too much time but yeah, this is my break, I think I have some time.

I cried once on the trip, when talking to Rithi, about esof. I forgot exactly what we were discussing, but I think it was just thinking about what an awful place I'm in, and what an awful place I've placed esof in. Now I have a messy room; things lying around all over, mattress for two on the floor, but I do have a guitar stand.

I don't know why I feel so very tired. I think depressed people get tired, but I'm grieving, not depressed. Although that whole apathy thing is starting to act up. Need to sleep in, etc. Don't think that's a good sign.

I don't know if I miss her. I wish more than anything that she's OK. I miss things being together; but life having no direction at the moment is liberating. I hope she feels that too. I can't believe she gave that up for me... and now this.

It happened on a Tuesday. And now, Tuesday, four weeks later, I don't know what to do. I'm alive; maybe that temporary feeling of being just dandy was my body shutting down in the face of unbearable grief; and now it's coming back. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...